The Chaos of My Mind

Life... Aww. I am tired. And it is affecting my mood. Last week was crazy busy and it is all catching up to me. I’m tired, low energy, getting stressed at little things. I have no desire to ever do anything ever again. That last thing I wrote about counting and how many letters there are in my name is stupid. I feel like I should delete it.

*Let me just add, this isn't a big deal. It isn't a huge stressor. But it is something that bothers me. Sometimes you know, you think, does this bother other people? And I don't think it does bother other people. But hey. What is this blog for than to talk about me... please don't run away. ;) It bothers me that my first name has 6 letters. My last name has 5, which is perfect. Sometimes I count. 5s or increments of 5 are perfect because I have 5 fingers. But 6 throws it all off. And 6 plus 5 is 11 which is not an increment of 5. Sometimes like in Roller Coaster Tycoon computer game. When you beat a level you enter your name as proof that you beat it and not someone else. It is important to me to write my name. Some of the levels are very difficult, as in I never want to play them again - which I will have to if I spell my name wrong. So I type my name, Kristi Smith, and then I count the letters out on my fingers and ‘Smith’ is easy to assure myself it i...

I don’t save people. Only God does that. I have been agonizing over what to say to a friend. He was a Christian but now he is an atheist. I don’t want to be preachy, and I don’t want to throw all that creation science at him (how complex everything is, the spin of the earth and faith in a Creator, or faith in something from nothing. We have never observed something coming from nothing). I want to be careful what I say, but I don’t want to shirk away from the truth. I want to be loving. I can’t save him. I can pray about what to say, think about what to say - and say it. But, God is the one who is responsible for people’s souls. And God likes it when we pray to him, so please pray for my friend, and all the other atheists in this world.  

I got an email earlier today that bothered me. I felt as I was reading it that the writer was attacking me. And I acknowledged the feeling that he was attacking me and tried to push it away - to not respond to it. He probably wasn’t attacking me or meaning too. When I was in the hospital emergency room here in London (for the first time I think) - suicidal being the reason. I talked with a psychiatrist. Explained what was going on, tried to persuade an admittance to the hospital. Anyways. He. I felt like he was attacking me. And I responded as such, I got defensive and shifted how I was approaching the conversation. And then he paused and he pointed out what had just happened. Borderline Personality Disorder has lots of symptoms and stuff - look it up if you want. One of the traits, something that I struggle with, is feeling like I am being attacked - whether I am being attacked or not. Mostly not being attacked. But I feel like I am being attacked and I respond, I c...

I really don’t like it when speakers mention people that have killed themselves. This evening I was at a church service where the pastor was preaching on worry. Over the course of the sermon he used the word suicide a handful of times - I think it didn’t bother me because A. I was fighting really hard not to focus on it. B. I’m doing well. and C. because it was abstract. Textbook. Theoretical.   But specifically saying someone did kill them-self is real. Emotion packed hopelessness. Thankfully it didn’t plunge me into the depts of despair. It could very well have. Fighting just to let the word suicide mentioned in a sermon pass me by is nothing compared to trying to overcome the hurdle of a specific person (who I don’t even know) killing them-self. It is a very BIG trigger that can take me to horribly dark places, I can go from happy, normal mood, to suicidal myself. At another meeting someone did the same thing. They mentioned a specific person who committed suicide...

I never used to read verses around a specific verse. Context basically. I’ve known the verse Philippians 4:8 since I was a teenager. An adult I talked with openly and honestly gave me a piece of paper with the verse on it in fancy lettering to encourage me. So I was thinking about this verse a few days ago, and I decided to read the verse before it and after it. And wow! Philippians 4:7 is brilliant. Here is what it says in ESV. Philippians 4:6-8 “[6] do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. [7] And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [8] Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” I’ve been on a wait list for ...

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