The Chaos of My Mind

Doing well I can identify would be triggers - & they do not hurt me. I don't spiral down. They could hurt me if I focused on them - but it is not difficult to let them pass through my mind without harming me. It is crazy how that can be. Sometimes I get really suicidal really fast, and other times I'm fine. At Ladies Bible Study at my church this morning the dvd study ended with a few verses that could have ruined the whole morning for me. Real suicidal, real fast. And yet this morning they didn't bother me at all.

Focus on the Family had an interview on the radio with Dr. Matthew Stanford, which is on the website (link below). It is a great 30 minute talk called, 'Helping Those Suffering from Mental Illness. I encourage you to listen to it. There were 2 things that he said that I just love. "Mental health conditions are the only condition in which the disordered organ makes the decision for care."  - That is said wonderfully, something that you know but just have a hard time wording, he nailed it. And:  "Your cognitive function, your thought process is damaged and you have to figure out that it is." Oh and there was something else he said, well, he speaks of mental illness being an ongoing treatment like diabetes. Which is true, definitely. And how we don't know what causes diabetes, we know what is wrong in the body and how to help it and all that, but  we don't know why it happens, just like mental health issues. The brain is complicated and really we know...

Kinda forgot about this blog. Though to be fair it was Thanksgiving weekend, and before that were both my parents' birthdays. I'll try to write something soon. I have a topic in mind but right now I don't really want to invest in writing it down. Side note: If you are a Canadian Citizen it is your responsibility to vote in this election.

How is it that the Bible triggers suicidal thoughts in me? - that is totally contradictory. I know why it is though. Heaven is all throughout the Bible - and I know someone that is in Heaven - by choice. Suicide. I’ve tried that and failed - a few times. She isn’t the only one either, I know of others, 1 for sure that I knew a long time ago. And other sin the world, celebrities etc. Sorrow is a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. I had to look that up - I need to memorize it, because it embodies everything. Deep distress; check. Loss, disappointment or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others; check. My experience (failure) at suicide. The deep distress in that place - thinking about her, in that moment, the anguish she was experiencing. It just swallows me up - I gotta finish writing this to get away from this pain. To protect myself in the here and now. The Bible talks about heaven. And...

Crazy busy week last week and I am no longer taking any Prozac……… and I’m not doing well. It takes a while for Prozac to leave your system completely, so that might not matter. I could just be tired, really tired, and worn out from last week. I want to hide in my house, not go out to anything - even things I enjoy. Thoughts of being around people are even more exhausting. My mood is lower, that might just be from being tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I was supposed to go out this morning, but I just felt so tired that I turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep. Last week I talked with my psychiatrist about my clock / nighttime routine maybe being not needed, I just did it as a routine and not a specific thing I have to do (OCD tendency). Yep I have to do it. Not a routine; needed, frustration, repeating it over and over again. Things were going really well. I was not hypomanic at all. And now things are not going well. It could just be from s...

Life... Aww. I am tired. And it is affecting my mood. Last week was crazy busy and it is all catching up to me. I’m tired, low energy, getting stressed at little things. I have no desire to ever do anything ever again. That last thing I wrote about counting and how many letters there are in my name is stupid. I feel like I should delete it.